djmuddy's Journal

The Start of it all
Everyone talks about their first love. In fact, almost every love story begins with somber reminiscing of that incredibly unique person who left a void in life, who shall never be replaced, who’s memories will always dwell inside the heart forever.
Let me counter this with two simple points:
1- I start my tale of love lost and squandered at the very beginning, the first woman I knew as a partner, my first girlfriend.
2- There is no one woman responsible for the holes in my life. I am yet to take an accurate count, for the sake of reality, but I would venture a guess to say that there are at least a half of a dozen who hold different fragments of my lost self.

With that out of the way, perhaps a little personal background is in order. For this case, my name is Muddy and that is the only name that will be changed in the context of this story. In this certain time, I am twenty-three years old, a recent college graduate working for a large insurance company. I still grasp onto my college lifestyle as a disc jockey in the same local college bar that I have been for the last three years. I have drank too much, I have had a lot of girlfriends and I have participated in some acts that may never leave certain rooms in certain hometown drugstores.
I have never been a great looking guy, balding and tubby, but I know how to have fun and that is the only reason that I can come up with to explain my history, sexually and socially. I am the kind of guy who with every year gets a little creeper looking, which makes me fear my impending 30’s.
I have made more mistakes that I care to admit to or even think about. My past is checkered, visibly enough that people in my hometown all have at a minimum one good story to tell about me.
At this crossroads in my life, facing perhaps the love that I cannot trick into loving me back, I am forcing myself to examine just what in the hell I have done to myself over the past 9 years of life. Maybe even more importantly, I am trying to uncover what in the hell I did to others, to make them hate me, to make them love me, to have them walk in and out of my life.

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